After being settled into my room a bit and my husband having gone home to feed the cats I found myself opening up to nurse S. — the lovely day shift nurse. I don’t think I meant to intentionally have this conversation with her … it just happened … either that or it was the Dilaudid. I’d like to think it was the connection I had with her with the baby steps I’ve been taking at trusting others.
Nurse S. had a lot of charting to do and had to do her final checks on me. The charting system is in each patients room on a computer. I don’t even know how I brought up the topic … but somehow it started with being OK about being on a postpartum floor even though I was childless.
I told her that I was pregnant two years ago and that our baby had a chromosomal abnormality — trisomy 21 to be specific. I told her how it was a surprise pregnancy as I had years and years of infertility never believing I would be able to conceive. I was 43 at the time.
I told her how my husband and I elected to terminate the pregnancy … I cried … she cried. She held my hand. I don’t feel like she judged me. I told her how I couldn’t give my daughter a broken life starting with a likely heart surgery to follow with mental and physical disabilities effecting her entire life. I told her that telling her my story wasn’t easy and how scary it was for me. She simply listened, nodding her head at all the appropriate times.
I feel like I may have taken up a lot of her time by all my talking … I apologized and she replied by saying it was OK, that this was what was needed in this time … for her to listen to me. I believe she genuinely meant that.
And I still wonder had I not been on the Dilaudid PCA if I would have opened up so easily … I’m simply going to tell myself that it was the special rapport I had with one caring and kind nurse leaving it at that.
More personal stories about TFMR (termination for medical reasons): http://1in10blog.wordpress.com