For myself …

I had to do it for myself.

My hysterectomy.

For me.

I waited a long time for others … the other (and only) children I would ever have.  I had none.  They never came.  Those hypothesized children never materialized.  I held onto my uterus for my husband, my father, my mother-in-law, my father-in-law, my sister-in-law, my brother-in-law, my nephew and even some other people not mentioned here.

I held onto the pain each month.  Each month my uterus rocked my world and gave me pain … my steady reminder of no child and no reprieve from physical pain.  I kept thinking I could always make it just one more month, just in case.

Some of the aforementioned took the news, or the no news of children better than others … not all of them openly know I’ve had my hysterectomy and one is too young to understand.  I didn’t tell one because I feel he wouldn’t care … it would be as though I told him I went to the grocery store or something else as forgetful and mundane.  I didn’t tell two of them because I didn’t want to openly crush their hope I would give them another grandchild. Fortunately, my husband was the understanding and supportive person I needed when I finally made the decision to have my hysterectomy.

I’m sorry I couldn’t give a child to those who wanted one for me for whatever reason they wanted it for themselves and thinking it was what needed to happen in my life.  I’m sorry I couldn’t be like everyone else and simply want and make a child.  I’m sorry I couldn’t make everyone happy.  I’m sorry that everyone thinks I cannot be happy and fulfilled without children.

I recently listened to the audio series by Elizabeth Gilbert entitled: Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage and found some healing words regarding being childless.

Gilbert writes:

If you look across human populations of all varieties, in every culture and on every continent (even among the most enthusiastic breeders in history, like the nineteenth-century Irish, or the contemporary Amish), you will find that there is a constant 10 percent of women within any population who never have children at all.

The percentage never gets any lower than that, in any population whatsoever. In fact, the percentage of women who never reproduce in most societies is usually much higher than 10 percent- and that’s not just today, in the developed Western world, where childless rates among women tend to hover around 50 percent.

Maybe it’s not only legitimate for certain women to never reproduce, it’s necessary. It’s as though, as as a species, we need an abundance of responsible, compassionate, childless women to support the wider community in various ways. Childbearing and child rearing consume so much energy that the women who do become mothers quickly become swallowed up by that daunting task- if not outright killed by it.

FULL ARTICLE: Best-selling author Elizabeth Gilbert says childless women are just fine.

Having a child simply wasn’t in the picture for me.

I agree with Elizabeth Gilbert that one should be called to having a child, one should want a child with a strong will of their soul … I’ve never had that feeling except for a brief time I grieved the loss of my only pregnancy.  I was in grieving and healing mode when I so wanted to be pregnant again. I’ve had tough (mental) conversations with myself why I haven’t had this desire like “all other” women.  Luckily, I’ve come across other women who’ve not had the strong desire to bear children and are at peace with the decision … their words, if only experienced by my reading, have helped tremendously.

One such woman’s words that are healing and helpful in the arena of childlessness: Gloria Bowan on being childess, childfree and true to our natures.

I had to get the uterus out of my body for my own peace, my own comfort, my own quality of life.  No healthy child ever grew from that space … and that’s OK because that is what was and is and will be.

This is probably the only pregnancy I’d ever really want: BABY cat

… I love cats and don’t consider myself a crazy cat lady.  Not yet … but there’s always hope!

*DISCLAIMER

8 thoughts on “For myself …

  1. I am so touched by this post because you know what you needed for you, and you did it for you!! Our paths are so different, yet listening to your heart and your desires resonates deeply with me right now. So many of us struggle to put ourselves first and you did it! It sounds like you took some time to get there (for many great reasons) but now that you have its like a weight has been lifted off you. It sounds glorious!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Why would you want to have a child (or do anything major) to please other people? Especially the men in your life who don’t understand the costs involved? I live for myself only (which involves helping others because I enjoy it, but still)…..I don’t care what womanhood is “supposed” to be.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I was in the maybe-baby boat … my husband never pushed me to have a baby. My dad casually asked if I was going to have kids. My parents-in-law, more so my father-in-law pushed a bit in the way of hopefulness in my having kids.

      My boss loves babies so much … loves children so much. She doesn’t understand when women don’t want children, and yet can understand when women don’t have children because they physically can’t. She really wanted me to have a child.

      I had never had strong convictions either way — of not wanting children or wanting them desperately … and that’s what made it so hard … living in indecisiveness.

      Now without kids, I am very clear about not wanting them … I feel too old to have them, I feel they take too much energy — energy I don’t have, they take a lot of personal time — time I’m not willing to give up.

      This is not to say that I don’t like children. I like children quite a bit … at times and when I can devote genuine energy to them — quality time.

      If I had a child I believe in my heart that I would have given it my all … but that was not my course in life and it won’t ever be that way.

      Thanks for pushing me more with your comment and inspiring me to open up a bit more.

      Like

  3. You shouldn’t feel sorry for anything. Do what’s best for you. You are what matters. Your health comes first 🙂 I’ve never wanted kids. Never had that mommy gene. I don’t know what to do around babies. I’m better with older kids because I can talk to them. I tell people if I give birth it will be to cats (I’m a cat lady). If I come home with kids. That means my imaginary pet goats are no longer imaginary. I’ve gotten a lot of crap and still do about not wanting kids. Don’t understand why I can’t live my life for me. I see my life with my husband filled with trips and animals. Sometimes I wonder why I couldn’t be like everyone else so I didn’t have to hear it but then I would be miserable if I had that life. You and I have different circumstances. I don’t want you to feel bad for anything. I feel like marriage and kids is a personal matter and people like to but their noses in it. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I very glad you did what’s best for you 🙂 If anyone is disappointed shame on them for not thinking about your health. Your hubby sounds like a nice guy never pressuring you and being understanding of your needs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • The funny thing is now that my parents-in-law take care of my sister-in-laws kids 5-7 days a week before school and after school, they no longer push kids on us! In fact, my father-in-law even said to my husband, “Aren’t you glad you don’t have kids!?!” I was kind of stunned, but kids are A LOT of work that never lets up.

      So, yep, I’m with ya on the cat momma thing! Meow meow! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • One day we took our nephews to see Peter and the Wolf. They were staying at my in laws and they needed a break. The oldest kid kept procrastinating because he didn’t want to go. My mon in law said, ‘My god. So much work no wonder you don’t want them.’ Pretty funny. I’m lucky she never pressured. Hinted like once. Makes me think of your dad in law.

        Liked by 1 person

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