Since my last post MY PARANOID THOUGHT I have been thinking about ovarian cancer and my ever-increasing girth — the weight gain just in my mid-section. My legs and arms are still thin — a body shape I like to call the “beetle body” — something I swear I’d never have (or want) … NOT to be confused with the 1988 movie Beetlejuice!
My earrings and socks still fit without problems! Yay me — no obese earlobes! While I spent a lot of time today thinking about “how fat I am” — a thought I never used to have. I also thought about this whole get-healthier-weight-loss process as a journey. It took me a while to pack on this weight and now it’s going to take some time to take it off … too bad I can’t just drink it off!
My proactive thought is patience.
Yep, patience with myself and constant reminders of how I got here and how to get off the BMFT — Belly McFat Train! Today I had a salad and it actually filled me up without the gluttony guilt. I was “good” for at least one day. Tomorrow is around the corner though …
How did I get into the stupor of eating and drinking whatever?
HOW did I get here?! Because this is not me. I haven’t lived in this place … this state of mind or stomach. I have been eating and drinking to assuage stress, tension, tune out and eat everything I’ve never tried before. It’s like an alien took over my body or I woke up one day experimenting on myself by seeing what the experience of gluttony was. I can see why people like gluttony though! Just look at Louis C.K.! (YouTube: Louis CK on “getting fat”).
Yesterday I thought about wine and how somehow I’ve become Bacchus in female form. Where did I get to the point I thought numbing myself out with food and drink was OK? Is this a mid-life crisis? I don’t feel super depressed or worthless or anything … I don’t feel exactly inspired nor energetic either. I used to go to yoga and do things … and then Netflix took over my brain. I’m tired of movies now … seriously. I cancelled my mail subscription, but the hubby still has streaming online because I’m not quite ready to break off completely yet! (nor is he)
Cat Netflix movies? Too good to be true?
God of the grape harvest, Bacchus is the liberator, whose wine, music and ecstatic dance frees his followers from self-conscious fear and care. He is the patron deity of agriculture and the theatre.
This truly explains a lot … I have become possessed by Bacchus! Too bad I’m not Catholic or I could have an exorcism. Oh well … I’ll have to figure things out as usual. One of the reasons AKA blame-excuses I use with my enchantment of wine is due to the awesome blog Wine Folly! I MUST tell you not to click on that hyperlink because if you have any liking or interest in wine you won’t make it back to read this post … you’ll be sucked into the awesome vortex of how wine is explained in understandable terms, then you will want some wine, then you will drink some wine and some more … then the double vision will start and alas I will have lost you. So whatever you do DO NOT CHECK OUT WINE FOLLY! Please don’t for the love of my blog! Oh f-cm it … I can’t control what you do online!
I have LOTS of excuses why I don’t & won’t get healthy:
- My right great toenail is split vertically so I have to wait for that to mend. (There is a story behind this and I’m not going there … don’t worry, nothing kinky or weird.)
- I’m still healing emotionally from the “friend” who stood me up for yoga — twice!
- Yoga reminds me of being “rejected”.
- I simply need to accept my peri-menopausal, post-hysterectomy body as is.
- I’ve eaten healthy for so long in the past that I need to try the “other side”.
- I’ll start working out and getting fit when the majority of people around me do.
- I’ll get physically fit when I’m truly appreciated by people — ha ha ha ha — that’s the funniest one of all! (and the MOST delusional)
I’m OK without wine with dinner tonight. No big deal. Somehow I think I’m European or something … but without all the walking and fresh organic eating … merely the French, Italian & Spanish wine drinking — enough to make someone European, isn’t it?
And now I have decided to give up coffee — not that I drink a lot by any means, but I notice the few times I have coffee I get screaming hunger pains several hours later. Coffee abstinence will be easy and help me move in the right direction of decreasing my cravings of
needing wanting to eat almost continuously! I can finally remove the food bag from around my neck!
I dream of what I will eat as I drive home thinking if I should stop by this fancy grocery store or the other one or maybe get take-out … again. My brain has somehow been highjacked by food obsession. I SWEAR I have been overtaken by the Goddess equivalent of Bacchus. I’m not implying I’m a Goddess but I’m not implying I’m not … yet! There is always hope!
It has been however many days since I wrote my last post and I’ve LOST 6 lbs. (2.7 kG for the Euros out there, and 0.42 stones for all the Druids) due to eating healthy, taking the stairs whenever possible, not drinking any alcohol, eating much more fiber, avoiding added sugar and swigging loads of water. I’ve always heard in the beginning of weight loss it’s usually mostly water weight that’s lost BUT if I’ve been consuming gobs of water, how could this loss only be water weight?
I got on the scale this morning, and woo hoo, the weight-loss train is coming to my house and picking me up! Choo choo!
I high-fived the hubby and put on some pants where the buttons weren’t about to bust off. (click on the Louis CK YouTube link for more details on ill-fitting pants)
It’s a journey and I’m taking it!
PS: Just how does this post relate to hysterectomy? Were any of you severely disappointed realizing this post wasn’t a bonafide hysterectomy post? If so, please complain in the comments section. Also, any and all cat comments will be appreciated.