About 10 days after hormones …

Dear Medication, how are you? I'm feeling much better thanks to you?/ Finally she began responding to treatment.

About 10 days to hormonal turnaround … if you read my most recent post HORMONAL SADNESS then this post will make more sense.  In fact, if you read every single blog post I’ve written it will make the most sense of all.

But really, folks, I’m sure you have better things to do like get your “re-gift” closet ready for next year, get your tax stuff ready for 2016 (woo hoo!) … and on that thought, ignorant American here (AKA me) — you Europeans don’t have to pay annual taxes right ’cause you’re already taxed to death for your “free” healthcare and such, right?  … anyway, my digression (and global ignorance at it’s finest) … if you do want to read my entire blog, please, please be my guest.  I like comments too. 

Back to hormones … it has taken just about 10 days for my response to the  hormones to come around more or less. (Ironically I’m sweating as I write this. … and now I’m not sweating as I proofread this.)  I’m still having some hot flashies in the daytime, but the insomnia, drippy sweatiness and feeling super sad has been “fixed” by the low-dose synthetic progesterone-estrogen pill I’ve been taking.  This really is one of those times that there is better living through chemistry … at least for me!

What would you choose?

angry catIf I had a choice to feel sadness vs. anger, I would pick anger.  Grrrr!  Anger feels so much more energetic … although according to spiritual readings I’ve done in the past, anger is only a slighter false level of higher energy than sadness.  If it sounds like I’m some hippie dope smoker here I assure you I’m not … not that there’s anything wrong with hippie dope smokers except, well … that’s another soapbox for another day and probably NOT this blog.

Back to the energy thing … don’t worry this hysterectomy blog isn’t going to turn into some spiritual guru place where I take your money getting you to buy my books while we all practice shamanism in the heat of a New Mexican summer crowded into a seven-person tent with a fire pit blazing all while reading  The Law of Attraction or The Secret … definitely not going to happen.

A long time ago … I don’t know … about nine or ten years ago, I used to be more spiritual — whatever that means and during this exploration I came across a book called Power Vs. Force.  In this book, levels of emotions are rated as being higher or lower energy levels than others placed on a scale.  Through this book that I have no particular interest that you do or don’t read, I learned that different emotions have different consciousness levels of energy.  Ooooh!  Neato … or something.

Poor you, hysterectomy reader, you thought I was going to talk more about  hysterectomies or hormones … something female-related at least.  However, what I have come to feel is that the artificial hormones have helped moved me out of a sadness and now I can return to the regularly scheduled program of husband-wife anger Mars vs. Venus discussions in my house.  44b510b956725b8db23bfcd95342b16d

Please don’t mistake me, I don’t enjoy being angry or feeling angry or being around others who are angry … it’s just a bit better feeling than that of sadness.

 

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P.S. Did I mention I’m getting back to yoga?  I think this helps a lot with hormones and moods and stuff …

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The third chakra is called Manipura, which means “lustrous gem.” Located around the navel in the area of the solar plexus and up to the breastbone, it is a source of personal power and governs self-esteem, warrior energy, and the power of transformation.

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Namaste

Hormonal sadness

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Going off hormones can be a bad idea.

Of course, if you have a breast cancer that’s estrogen receptive or positive, then of course you need to stop those hormones.  Duh.

I wish I hadn’t tried going off my Lo Loestrin for 8 weeks.  While I have restarted the hormone regimen again, my body is taking a while to catch up, especially emotionally lately.  Hormones aren’t like instantaneous pain pills — like take a pain pill and feel better in about an hour.  It doesn’t work that way and I’m sure you know that.

I simply didn’t realize how hard the emotional aspect would hit me after stopping the Lo Loestrin.  I can’t wait until things are back on track emotionally-speaking. I’m not sure how long that part of this hormonal process takes to stabilize.  I really have no idea.

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Easier said than done.

I don’t like feeling sad or crying easily — it reminds me of my teenage years and through the times when my hormones weren’t very balanced.  I hate being a sensitive person and having petty things upset me to a greater degree than they “should”.  I very much envy stoic people … not that I like to be around these unfeeling people much, but I do envy their lack of emotional responses and seemingly controlled cool-as-a cucumber outer appearance (perhaps facade).  And no, no, no I wouldn’t want to be an unfeeling psychopath by any means.

Why isn’t my skin thicker?  It’s a stupid unrewarding question only asked to torture oneself with no real logical conclusion that can only serve to spiral into more self-deprecating thought.  I can only think hormones, genes and past experiences combined play a part in this emotional downspin.

And I don’t want to become a man pumped full of testosterone with a sex change either simply to avoid female emotions.  I suppose the hormone balancing act is one that takes patience … and perhaps the tension of the Christmas season with all it’s various stressors don’t help either.

Where’s my cyber friend Wanda when I need her to tell me that depression is a lying asshole?  Wanda, Wanda, come out of the woodwork wherever you are. ❤ 

Anyway, physically my hormonal symptoms are greatly improving but this lack of estrogen and progesterone (whether synthetic or not) has me reeling into depths of being oversensitive and almost drowning in self-doubt.  It’s to the point that if you tell me I’m shit, I believe you without fight or question.

Sorry for the sad post folks … it’s usually not my style.

Then I feel guilty about being sad … like my sadness is stupid, selfish, a waste of time … I don’t have cancer, I’m not like the woman I saw in the grocery store today with only half an arm, my dad didn’t die, I didn’t lose a baby, I didn’t get fired … I feel like my sadness is all bullshit and trivial.  However, on the other hand I genuinely feel it … it’s not fake … the tears come, the lower lip and chin quiver, the thoughts grow, merge and a take on a life of their own.

No worries please, I know and hope too as the eternal optimist that I am that this too will pass.  It’s just so amazing how it feels like it won’t.  I’m nowhere needing the “suidcidal hotline”.  It’s simply sadness with undertones or rather overtones of unworthiness.

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I also know I need to get myself to yoga tomorrow … yoga does something very special to me … more than words can explain.

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Getting fatty-mac-fat-fat after a hysterectomy?

There is a rumor out there in the universe that women will gain weight after a hysterectomy.  I have heard it.  I am living that rumor … or truth.

Words of wisdom from the Dr. Dr. (yes, you read that correctly), Wulf H. Utian, MD, PhD:

There is some evidence showing that women tend to gain more weight after hysterectomy than after natural menopause. Why that is, especially since these women still have their ovaries, just isn’t clear.

… And it is clear that women often gain weight after menopause.

This weight gain doesn’t appear to be due to any effects from low estrogen/progesterone levels, but, rather, from changes in lifestyle (primarily becoming more sedentary) and because postmenopausal women tend to lose muscle and gain fat. That, in turn, leads to a slowing of your metabolism. Put more simply: Your calorie-burning furnace is operating on medium instead of high. That means that even if you’re eating and exercising the same as … years ago, you either have to eat less or exercise more to maintain your weight.

I would like to blame my weight gain on the removal of one organ.  In truth, I can’t.  I know  I haven’t been doing anything physical other than typing speedily, sprinting to the bathroom when the need arises, running my mouth and leaping into bed at night.  C’mon, who thinks this is real exercise?  I hate, loathe, detest exercise.  I used to do yoga but since my hysterectomy and the facet syndrome of my neck (fancy words for old-lady-neck osteoarthritis PAIN — emphasis on pain), I don’t want to do anything physical.  OK, maybe that one special thing that will remain unnamed that takes two people.  You know. (I’m keeping this paragraph G-rated).

On the up side, I have had thoughts of doing yoga. yoga om procrastinate  Do thoughts count?

I have also thought about swimming too, but then I’d have to join a health club paying the fee and never end up going like usual. It’s happened before.  I like to think that I’m donating to health clubs (and yes, past yoga memberships) by helping them stay in business for all those people who overuse their services.  Kind of generous huh?  (or really stupid with money).

What you would like to read about now?  More hysterectomy stuff, weight gain or my neck?  Readers choice!  Oh, wait, it’s my blog so we’ll talk about my neck because it has nothing to do with the title of the post.  You never know what you’re in for when you come here!

I promise I won’t spend too much time on my neck, but since I no longer have painful periods what else can I complain about?  Back to my neck … hmmm … that sounds funny.  Just say it, “Back to my neck.”  You can’t switch it up and say, “Neck to my back”.

My neck.  What a piece of crap neck did I get.  I can’t even say I’ve had any major  rollover car incidents or attempted self-hangings … no nothing that dramatic.  I used to swing my neck around while dancing in the ’80s especially to … see video:

After watching this video and realizing I was such a fan of such garbage musical inspiration and innovation, I’m quite sure I deserve the neck pain I’m having.  Have you ever thought, “What the f*ck was I thinking in my 20s (50s, 60s, 70s, for some of you who are older)?  clubbing  I remember thinking I would love clubbing (that means going to bars and dancing, most likely getting drunk in case you’re from another country and don’t know what that means) for the rest of my life. Holy criminy was I wrong.  And it wasn’t the last time I was wrong either!  You couldn’t get me to a club to save my life … plus those sexy neck swinging days are over.

Currently I’m undergoing RFA (radiofrequency ablation) on my neck.  Only one side can be done at a time for reasons not fully explained to me.  I had the RIGHT side RFA’d about a month ago and have complete relief on that side.  The LEFT side is an evil beast that awaits RFA in three — yes, only three days from now!

Let’s get back to that weight gain subject after hysterectomy, completely switching gears!

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I have no idea why I want to eat and drink almost everything.  Like everything.  What’s with this, “I don’t give a rat’s @ss attitude”?  Like everyone else, I have to ask myself WHERE my limit lies.  A number on a scale isn’t doing it for me, the lack of a 6-pack (as if I ever had one) …  but tight pants, that’s got me rethinking eating that Snickers bar daily.

I refuse to blame the hysterectomy for the weight gain.  I am putting more food into my mouth and gullet than I ever have in my life.  The only theory I can come up with is that weird experience I had with Effexor (venlafaxine).  I lost quite a bit of weight while on that medication and had so many food aversions it would make your head spin (see pic above!).  I’m making up for all that lost time of good eating. I’m weighting … I mean waiting for my weight and appetite to normalize (it’s been 16 months since my hyst).  I’m not sure how long this is going to take … and yes, yes, yes, I’ve had my thyroid checked, and yes THE PANEL of thyroid hormones too blah, blah, blah … can’t blame “the thyroid” either as it all came out normal.

On the subject of the thyroid, recently to my trip to Eatly, I mean Italy, while on the plane a woman sat down next to me.  She squeezed into her seat, attempted to put the food tray down but it collided with her abdomen (truly a panniculus if you want to get technical).  She said, “This is another skinny seat!”  I didn’t know what to say and kind of looked away.  I couldn’t exactly agree with her (or disagree).

Prior to  her sitting down she had been bypassed by three stewardesses when she had obviously needed help putting her case into the overhead storage bin.  The stewardesses were Amazonian women of the oldest airline in the world that will remain nameless here because well, I don’t want them to read this (ha! like they would be reading my blog … I’m not that deluded people) and be upset with me … their bread was so delicious and I may be flying with them in the future.  

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When that passenger got seated one of the stewardesses practically threw her seatbelt extension at her.  Yikes.  Anyway, she went on and on about her weight saying that over two years ago she had been diagnosed with hypothyroidism indicating this was the cause of her increased junk-in-the-trunk.  This was such an awkward conversation (or monologue).  I remained polite by distracting her with my neck problem explaining that looking left towards her was painful … which was true.  She kept talking anyway.

I want to start to eat healthy ALL THE TIME again and get back to yoga.  My hysterectomy no longer keeps me from doing anything physical and my neck … it’s on the mend!  I have no excuses for my eating behavior … simply life is short and I want to eat so many things!  And try fun cocktails like the Aperol Spritz I had in Italy!

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Saluti!

This an inspirational excerpt I found in regard to getting back to yoga (or really any kind of physicalness) after an absence:

Honor where you are today. If you’ve been absent for a while, your body will not be the same as it was. You’ve probably lost some flexibility or strength.  Maybe you have a noticeable loss of range of motion in a joint or two.  Allow yourself to return slowly, and let go of the expectations you may have placed on your “former” body.  Be real about the body you’re bringing to the mat today. Honor the integrity of your body and don’t push or injure it.  Give it time.  Put in the hours on your mat and reclaim your practice.    ~ From BODY POSITIVE YOGA

CAT YOGA